Chicken Figgy Masala

12TH JULY 2017

Got the gang round for a Friday night game of croquet? Serve this up and you’ll have some truly happy whackers.

Cauliflower rice
Diced poached chicken breast

Lay the cauliflower rice in a ring around the edge of your plate.

Pop your chicken in the middle of the cauli-ring, making sure it looks as Instagrammable as possible. #Instafamous

Now slice your chilli into ten thin slices. Pop nine of the slices in the bin and the other on top of the chicken. Trust me, it’s the perfect amount of flavour.

To finish the dish, it’s Non Bread time. ‘But Figster, what’s a Non Bread?’, I hear you ask. Simply grab a plain ricecake, and sprinkle it with the most flavourless coriander you can find. Congratulations, you’ve just made a Non Bread!

Now your curry is ready to eat. So go ahead and serve it with a pint (of ice-cold sparkling Alpine water).

Crazy Carbless Cereal

12TH JULY 2017

Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen – and pour yourself... a bowl of yummo.

Macadamia nuts
Half a pint of thrice-distilled water


Pour half of your half pint of thrice-distilled water into a simple solid gold cereal bowl. I couldn't find my bowl for this photo, it must be in the dishwasher!

Pour in the other half of your water.

Scatter the macadamia nuts from a height. Let them sit in the water for up to one minute, then remove. Your water will now have all the taste of macadamia nuts, with none of the carbs.

Eat the water. 

Spaghetti Figgonese

12TH JULY 2017

If I was a rapper, I would be the Notorious F.I.G., and my smash hit would be ‘Spiralise’.

Minced aubergine
Mixed seeds


Get your courgette ready for the spiraliser by giving it a quick massage and telling it everything is going to be OK.

Now spiralise the heavens out of that courgette.


Use a hand-carved Swedish ladle to ladle two ladles of minced aubergine and two ladles of mixed seeds. #LadiesWhoLadle

Sprinkle on two more seeds of your choice to garnish, and serve to yourself.

Totes Tasty Trifle

12TH JULY 2017

Once a year, I decide to be a devil and have a dessert. And this is that dessert...

Tofu jelly
Icelandic skyr yogurt
Kale mousse


It really couldn’t be easier – three everyday products, one on top of the other. Start with the tofu jelly. Preferably papaya flavour, if you can get it.


Next, pop on the Icelandic skyr. And yes, it must be skyr for the recipe to work. If you’re thinking of using any other type of yoghurt, you may as well put the whole dessert in the bin.

And finally, top it all off with the kale mousse, lick your lips, and indulge that sweet tooth!

Papa Figgy's Pizza

12TH JULY 2017

It’s Saturday night. The organic greengrocer’s is closed. There’s only one thing for it… pizza!

Raw butternut squash disc
Tomato water
Cucumber slices
Acai berries


Grab your raw butternut squash disc. Store-bought is fine, but you can make your own if you know how. I don’t. I think you need a butternut squash of some kind.


Now for the tomato water. This should be seedless, textureless, and flavourless. Make sure there’s no actual tomato in it. Pour the tomato water over the butternut squash disc.


Pop your cucumber slices onto the squash. The tomato water might make them slide off, so be careful here.

Get ready to make a good pizza great. You know what time it is: acai o’clock – sprinkle those berries on like nobody’s watching!

Now it's time to cut yourself a big slice and veg out!

Piece of (rice)cake brunch


Rice cakes and egg whites - what lazy Sundays were made for.

1 x unsalted rice cake
1 x head of broccoli
1 x egg white

Get the rice cake out of its packet. If it’s already out, skip to the next step.

Tear the broccoli into little bits then boil in mineral water for 10 minutes. Fish out the broccoli. DON’T drain the water. Get a broccoli masher and mash up the broccoli. If you don’t have a broccoli masher, you can use an ordinary potato masher.

Did you save your broccoli water? Great. Poach your egg white in it for three minutes.

Assemble in this order - ricecake, smashed broc, eggy.

Eat in any order.

Figgy’s Dirty Dog


Who says clean eating can’t be a little naughty...

1 x raw carrot
1 x raw aubergine
Handful of sweetcorn
Mineral water

Cut along your aubergine, lengthways, but don’t quite cut right through. (This is going to be your hot dog bun.)

Wash the carrot and pop it in. (This is going to be your sausage.)

Blitz up the sweetcorn and mix it with your mineral water until you have what looks like a sauce. (This is going to be your mustard.)

Garnish with seeds. Eat it. (This is going to be delicious.)

Me-time milkshake


For those times you just want to be alone with dairy alternatives.

100ml almond milk
100ml coconut milk
100ml soy milk
100ml flax milk
Glass jam jar
Snazzy straw

Pour the almond milk into the jar.

Pour the coconut milk into the jar

Pour the soy milk into the jar

Pour the flax milk into the jar


Pop the straw in, and enjoy!

Profu Energy bar


It’s protein. It’s tofu. Hence the name, profu.

50g rectangular slice of Tofu
Handful of pine nuts

Trim the edges of the tofu to make it look super nice

Toast the pine nuts in a dry pan for five minutes.

Scatter the tofu with the pine nuts. Tuck in!

Bit-on-the-side salad


Delicious on the side of literally any dish. Or if you’re feeling super adventurous, pop it on top of the dish, not just on the side!


Spinach (raw)
Spinach (wilted)
Ice cubes (organic)
Scandinavian serving bowl (Scandinavian)

Take your ice cubes out of the freezer. Tip - never store ice cubes in the fridge.

Divide your spinach into two clumps. Wilt one clump in a frying pan with some coconut oil for about two minutes.

Put the raw clump of spinach into your Scandinavian serving bowl. Scatter with ice cubes - careful, they’ll be cold! Top with the wilted spinach.

Dig in, darlings.